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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  December 27, 2013 11:35pm-12:36am PST

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>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, will ferrell. adam scott. this year in unnecessary censorship. and music from christopher cross featuring ron burgundy. and now, though it's been said in many various ways, here's jimmy kimmel! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: thank you for watching. thank you for being here. [ cheers and applause ] let me tell you something. i wish i could stick a hook through each of you and hang me on my tree. i really do. christmas is almost here. this is the magical time of the year. that answers the question how many different spiced lattes can starbuck's offer at once. the answer is 53. i wonder if jesus hates having his birthday so close to christmas. it is a bummer. are any of you traveling home for the holidays? maybe this is your home you travel to for the holidays. for me the most awkward part of
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going back home when your parents convert your childhood bedroom into a sex dungeon. i spent the whole day today, at work, handing out gifts. i like buying gifts. i don't like wrapping them. ever try wrapping gifts in aluminum foil? doesn't work. the points go right through the thing. i also got a lot of gifts today. i have gotten so good at pretending i like a gift. some times i react positively before i open it. well open it. i don't have to it is perfect. reading, half, 45% of americans kid christmas to be a religious holiday. is that nuts? of course, it is a religious holiday. it celebrates when santa delivered baby jesus, and rudolph and mary down the chimney. i get a package from amazon, i open the box. tell me this isn't an upset thing to get in the mail. this is, what i got. a kitten trapped in a plastic bag. making the kitten. i saved it. it is alive because of me. they call people like me heroes. i brought a --
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i bought a bunch of toys for my nieces and nephews and cousins this year. toys really of all things in our society that have changed. toys may have changed the most. we made an evolutionary chart here. a soldier doll from 1920. then you have a soldier, 1940. then we have gi joe, 1970. now we have this. even our action figures are juicing. dolls were girls. started out with baby dolls. then came raggedy ann, then we had barbie, now we have skinny, meth head, hooker woman. why are we giving little girls dolls that -- that look like they would give you an std in the pool at the palms hotel in vegas? this is a classic. this is a toy my mother would never let me have. as soon as i was an adult.
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i bought ten of them. a b.b. gun. you see here, a young man, hunting a rodent in his living room. we have all done this. i once shot my kitchen up. trying to kill a rat. and did not kill the rat. see here, taking aim at the mouse. why? why, just like that the hunter becomes the hunted. that was, that was like the mouse equivalent of like sky walker flying directly into the death star. toronto mayor and future mall santa, rob ford, made the news again today. craziest thing about the rob ford saga, it is not a reality show. it its just happening in the world. like a free range gary bussey, roaming. mayor ford called into a radio show in washington, d.c. the host asked him what he is getting his wife this year. just money. women love money. give them a couple thousand. they're happy. getting women confused with crack dealers, possibly. he is right. women love money. men too, they might love it just as much. i would say of all the sexes the two that love the money the most are women and men.
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i have been very focused on rob ford these past few months so much so yesterday, a reporter asked mayor ford and his brother doug standing next to him. >> what about jimmy kimmel making jokes about you? >> that is okay. i have no problem. >> comedians poking at you? >> look, i'm okay. >> i hear jimmy likes rob. >> that's what i hear. through his folks. and we like jimmy kimmel. we're having fun. >> jimmy: let me make one thing clear, jimmy doesn't like rob. jimmy loves rob. jimmy -- and i will fell you this -- i had a chance to speak to jimmy earlier today. jimmy loves rob more than his children. if all of the paperwork goes through i am hoping to adopt him next year.
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so, somehow mayor ford did not make the list of barbara walter's ten most fascinating people last night which is crazy to me. the most fascinating person of 2013 was hillary clinton. this was barbara walters' 19th, final most fascinating special. officially done finding people fascinating. but because it was the last one, she took a look back at some of the most fascinating of all of the fascinating people including the famous diet dr. robert atkins. >> what do you say to doctors who say that a high fat diet is very bad for your heart? >> well i say that they're right if that high fat diet has a lot of carbohydrates along with it. >> four months later, he slipped on an icy new york sidewalk, suffered severe head trauma and died. >> jimmy: but he looked great. turns out he could have eaten bread after all. this is kind of hard to believe. according to some new research
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at the university of north carolina, one in 200 young women american women claim they had a virgin pregnancy. they say they got pregnant without having sex or in vitro. means one in 200 women don't know what their vagina is. what a boring maury povich episode that would be. when it comes to 3-year-old zaria no one is the father. i don't, if you don't know how sex works, go on the internet. i think they have videos. we have something special for you tonight. every thursday night a tradition, we bleep and blur clips from tv, this week in unnecessary censorship. as 2013 comes to a close we want
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to take a look back at the year. we compiled all our favorites into one very funny package. it is my immense pleasure to present "this year in unnecessary censorship." [ cheers and applause ] . >> just four days on the job and pope francis is [ bleep ] things up. >> he let me know if the day came, i could go beat on his [ bleep ] and put it to him. >> if you give me the chance, i will [ bleep ] you and your family every single day. >> there is that big [ bleep ] shaped storm. >> barbara bush taught me to live life, laugh a lot and [ bleep ] my [ bleep ]. >> thank you for coming on the show. great [ bleep ]. >> dad taught me how to be a president and before that he showed me how to [ bleep ] a man. >> the san antonio spurs. >> ooh, i want a black [ bleep ] so bad. >> i remember when [ bleep ] was just something i did in college around 2:00 a.m. >> you can hatch the opportunity to be able to put your [ bleep ] inside one of their mouth and [ bleep ] them. >> i want to [ bleep ] harrison ford. >> big, fat, [ bleep ].
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>> jeff and stacy. >> [ bleep ]. >> no. >> andrea mitchell in our newsroom [ bleep ] us off again. andrea, thank you. >> i'm going to [ bleep ] a live cow. >> is [ bleep ] a cow hard, farmer ben. not when you had as much practice as i have had. >> wow. >> jimmy: let's take a break. when we come back from that break, the plan is this. i am going to, hook a real child to a fake lie detector, naughty or nice this year. will farrell, adam scott, and music from christopher cross and ron burgundy. come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
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>> jimmy: we've also got will ferrell, adam scott, and music from christopher cross featuring ron burgundy. tonight on the show. only a few days left until christmas. crunch time for santa. he is packing his sleigh. he is sewing that terry cloth bathrobe you wanted. he is a busy guy. dividing everyone of the world's children into groups of naughty and nice is not easy. i decided to pitch in to help. set up a fake lie detector. guillermo in a dress. guillermo is the truth fairy. we got down to it with a young man named ira. go ahead and have a seat. what we are going to do. we'll put a helmet on you. a lie detector. it will help us know if you are telling the truth or a lie.
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yeah, great. you can hold on to that if you want. if you could state your name. >> i-r-a. >> ira, how old are you? >> 4. >> 4 years old. >> i mean 5. >> jimmy: 5 years old. >> just had a birthday a long time ago. >> jimmy: just had one a long time ago. how long ago was your birthday? >> my mom didn't tell me. >> jimmy: she didn't. >> strange. >> jimmy: that is strange. you think she would tell you. does she often keep secrets from you? >> nope. >> jimmy: she doesn't. all right. have you done any naughty things this year? >> nope. >> jimmy: okay, the machine is saying that you have done some naughty things this year. so, tell me about some -- >> well some things. >> jimmy: what kind of things.
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>> my brother hurts me then some times i just tell him to stop. and he doesn't listen. >> jimmy: okay that is not really a naughty thing. that's your brother being naughty. >> then i try to yell at him. but my mom tells me don't. >> jimmy: do you yell at him or try to yell at him. >> i try but. >> jimmy: you do actually yell at him. >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: do you pick your nose? >> sometimes. sometimes, not. >> jimmy: sometimes not. it's not look you are constantly picking your the nose. not look you are walking around with two fingers in your nose all the time. going, just every once in a while. like -- ten times an hour neighbor, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. okay. good. have you tried to stop picking your nose. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you are, how are you doing that?
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>> well, we got a decision here where -- if i pick my nose, i lose a penny. >> jimmy: a penny? >> yeah, i am trying not to pick any the noses. >> jimmy: you don't want to pick any the noses at all. you actually get fined if you pick your nose? >> yeah. and i haven't picked my nose for two days. so, no -- so, tomorrow i haven't picked my nose. today i haven't picked my the nose. i have two pennies in my pocket. two pennies. >> jimmy: tell me about some of the nice things you have done this year? >> i think i -- i've -- apologized to my brother because my mom told me to. i have to say sorry every time. >> jimmy: up huh. what was that they you did to him that you had to apologize? >> hurt him. >> jimmy: the nice thing you did was to apologize to your brother after you hurt him. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i don't think that will make it list. anything else? >> giving my mom hugs. >> giving mommy hugs.
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that's good. i think santa will like that. >> the last time i wanted a shooting gun, but santa didn't bring it. now, he wants a blowup dinosaur. i'm like, i'm sure you, well, i am sure, santa won't bring that. he only bring is my stuff. he doesn't like your stuff. >> jimmy: santa is picky about what he brings. he won't bring guns. >> i am going to put on my list, a snuggle penguin. >> jimmy: a snuggle penguin, nice thing to put on the list. what is it? >> snuggle teddy bear, instead of teddy bear, a penguin. snuggle penguins have christmas hats. >> jimmy: santa has been watching you. he is watching when you are sleeping, knows when you are awake. >> uh-huh. >> jimmy: santa said some times you call your brother a stupid, stupid idiot? >> sometimes i do, sometimes i don't. >> jimmy: the key is sometimes you do? >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah.
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>> only when iggy says it first. >> jimmy: he starts it? sound to me like this iggy is a lot of trouble. yeah, do you think iggy should get any presents for christmas this year? >> no, he is being mean. >> jimmy: he has been very bad this year. how many presents do you think you should get for christmas? >> jimmy: four? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you would look four presents. iggy should get zero presents? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you think iggy is going to be upset on christmas morning when there is no gifts for him. >> yeah, i am nice enough to share presents. [ buzzer ] sometimes i am. >> sometimes you are not. are you going to be good for the rest of the year until christmas. >> i think so. [ buzzer ] >> jimmy: think you will be the same way you always are, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you are. santa didn't bring you the star wars gun. he is disappointed in you.
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what does he expect? you are stuck with a snuggle penguin. who wants that, right? >> yeah. >> stupid thing. thank you, very good talking to you. hope you have a great christmas. thank you, ira. good to meet you. good luck with that brother. oh, he sound like trouble. >> we have music from christopher cross and ron burgundy. i will be right back with will farrell.
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>> jimmy: hi there, tonight on the program -- adam scott is here. we have music from and then, with music from this -- the soundtrack to "anchorman 2: the legend continues," -a duet from ron burgundy and christopher cross. they will be performing the classic "ride like the wind" on the sony stage. whether he is president or elf, our first guest is a brilliantly
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funny man with a gift for us this christmas, he is back in mustache as ron burgundy in "anchorman 2: the legend continues," in theaters now, please say hello to will ferrell. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: all right. are you okay? >> i'm fine. i'm fine. i'm fine. [ cheers and applause ] >> that tree was not there the last time i was on the show. >> jimmy: i didn't know you were familiar with the geography of the set.
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>> i have this set memorized. >> jimmy: sharp left. and the corner right there. >> i got tangled up. >> jimmy: glad you are okay. i have to say, i don't think i have ever seen a movie promoted as well as the you have promoted "anchorman." >> i am probably going to win an award. >> jimmy: you should win an award. [ cheers and applause ] >> i'm up for seven marky's. marketing equipment. >> jimmy: the markies. >> the markies. >> jimmy: you will win one. you have been all around the world. you started with the great commercials. you even went to, do a local news broadcast. ron burgundy appeared on the local news in bismarck, north dakota. we convinced the local station to let ron come on. i just read that day's news.
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in bismarck. >> jimmy: you might win a bismarcky. thank you, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] >> a marky. a bismarcky. i can retire. they let me regularly, read with the news team. read the news. i think there was a warehouse fire. there was a santa claus beer growing contest. >> jimmy: did they make a deal when you flew to north dakota. >> the deal was you can't announce i am coming on the show. we literally want people to turn on their tv's and say what the [ bleep ] is going on.
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and that's -- >> jimmy: probably did. >> we were following the twitter feeds. it was like, oh, my god. oh, ron burgundy is on my news. what's going on? he is amazing. >> jimmy: did they say like if there is a murder, we are going to have to scrap this. >> they made it clear if there was something. horrible. >> jimmy: there was nothing. nothing. i think you picked the right town, probably. >> i have to say they were the most lovely people. at one point, ron tried to pick up on the co-anchor, amber, he said, amber, are you married? she says no i'm not.
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well i am, don't get any ideas. >> jimmy: amber rolled with it. >> in other news -- ha-ha. >> jimmy: was that the most fun you had doing this? >> that was fun. i also went up, right after that. went up to winnipeg, canada. the paris of canada. where ron was invited to help announce the olympic curling trials. so, so, for all of. >> jimmy: i read about this. >> so curling, do you know what curling is, you glide the stone across the ice. >> jimmy: people sweep. >> do the sweeping thing. yeah, yeah. so they, they were begging for ron to go. >> jimmy: yeah, sure, sure. absolutely. not much goes on. >> i was literally on the broadcast for 20 minutes. >> jimmy: you were? did you do the play-by-play. whatever they call it. >> i would make stuff up. got on the telestrator, just drew balloon animals and things. at one point they were like how do you think kathy so and so is going to do on the throw. she can't do it. not going to do it. sure enough she messed up. she messed up. a journalist in toronto said my mother is a huge curling fan.
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the sport, viewership skuz, 60 and older. she was like there is a guy with a mustache and red jacket and heap is ruining the show! he doesn't know anything about curling and he's going on and on. and they're letting him do it. the fact that i was ruining curling experiences was fun too. >> jimmy: fun too. what's the oddest job you ever had as a performer, not in regular life, but, the worst gig that you, that you have had. the worst gig here in l.a. it happened to be when the jury was going on. and we went to perform for the o.j. jury. we did sketch comedy in, in a courtroom. in the courtroom for 20 jurors. they didn't really laugh.
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they smiled. hard to laugh at comedy in a brightly lit room. >> jimmy: in a courtroom. you have been trapped in all day. >> they were very appreciative. >> jimmy: wow. they were a good audience. they weren't a good jury. [ cheers and applause ] >> controversial. wow. that jury blew it. and they were let out of the room. and we packed up our wigs and costumes. that was weird. you have had a strange life. really have. we have something exciting. a musical performance coming up.
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>> veronica, why are you here? >> i am here for our son, ron. walter need you. i need you to start taking responsibility for him and for yourself. >> do you realize you are
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talking to a man who just this morning tried to brush his teeth with a live lobster? >> what? you would have known it the second you touched it. >> i am just saying, it is not going to be a cakewalk. >> then we best get to it now. drink your tea. >> ah. >> let me get a sponge. i will get it. >> no, no, just stay there. >> jimmy: ron burgundy. will farrell its here with us. yeah. >> if you are wondering? >> jimmy: i don't want to give anything away. >> please don't. you better not. >> jimmy: there are more stars in the movie than on the hollywood flag. stars, kanye west. >> kanye, yes. you have had some, some contact with kanye. >> jimmy: i have, yeah, yeah, yeah. yes. >> he sat right here. >> jimmy: he did.
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i was delighted to see him there you. had all of a sudden, bam, bam, bam. celebrities. did you try to get any one that you were not able to get. seemed like it. >> oprah. tried to get oprah. did not happen? >> jimmy: why did oprah decline. >> she's too big. no. notoriety level. jeez, louise. i will fight every single one of you. >> jimmy: ha-ha. ha-ha. >> we tried to get president clinton. it didn't happen. >> jimmy: he said no. >> we tried to get obama. but apparently that, memo was actually in the white house, circulating, and people were making this, there were conversations like this, should we give it to him? i don't know. should we give it to him? maybe after lunch. he seems like he is in a good mood today. let's go in. not a good mood.
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don't go in. never got handed to him. >> jimmy: it worked out fine. fine without the president. first of all this album cover is, this must have cost extra. that is pretty great. >> this mustache wreaks by the way. >> jimmy: i want to add when i watched the movie i felt as if you had taken my ipod and made it into the sound track. christopher cross happens to be one of my favorites. and you have something very, very, well, ron has something very special for us tonight. >> is that why? i saw him wandering around in the hallway. i'm look what are you doing, go home. he was look you know me i didn't have a home. i live in a storage container, off ventura boulevard. that's, is that why he was here? >> that is why he was here. in fact, i don't know. if you will give this to him. >> i will. >> jimmy: all right. >> this looks a little bit like a merkin. >> jimmy: an eyebrow.
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it's an eyebrow. yes that's what it is. [ cheers and applause ] >> anchorman 2 the legend continues in theaters now. and ron burgundy and christopher cross. we'll be right back. [ metal clanks ] ♪ this is the age of knowing what you're made of. so why let erectile dysfunction get in your way? [ gears whirring ] talk to your doctor about viagra. 20 million men already have. ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for sex. do not take viagra if you take nitrates for chest pain; it may cause an unsafe drop in blood pressure. side effects include headache, flushing, upset stomach, and abnormal vision. to avoid long-term injury, seek immediate medical help for an erection lasting more than four hours. stop taking viagra and call your doctor right away if you experience a sudden decrease or loss in vision or hearing.
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: still to come, ron burgundy and christopher cross will be performing. ride like the wind.
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our next guest is succeeded in show business despite being born with two first names, you know him from "parks & recreation" and his newest movie "the secret life of walter mitty" opens christmas day. please say hello to adam scott. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: are you excited about the christopher cross and ron burgundy performance? >> yes, a match made in heaven. i cannot wait. >> jimmy: it is. i know you love 80s music. >> i do. >> jimmy: we share a fondness for huey lewis and the news. >> i just this year for the hell
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of it got sports again. the album. sports. is this year the anniversary? >> jimmy: it was. i guess every year is the anniversary. >> this was like the 30-year anniversary. >> jimmy: 30-year anniversary. >> that album is perfect. >> jimmy: thank you. wait a minute i had nothing to do with. >> you had nothing to do with the album. >> jimmy: what is your favorite huey lewis song? >> power of love. connected to back to the future which is the greatest movie. >> jimmy: it is, yeah. a great movie. >> b.t.f. fans here? >> jimmy: it was great. >> i was so into it, the summer of 85, the summer before i started junior high school. i thought the thing to make my mark in junior high and get the girls to notice me was to dress like marty mcfly for the first day of school. because i had a poster of michael j. fox in my room, i knew exactly what he wore, marty
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mcfly. i knew exactly what he wore. i had my mom bring me to mervyn's, i got the version of each item of clothing. like, he had two shirts, two button up shirts layered, with the black and white check, he had a jean vest, like guess jeans, the mervyn's version, big socks, white tennis shoes, the skateboard. i got all that stuff and a skateboard. i was like i am going to arrive. and listen to power of love on the walkman on the way off to school. >> jimmy: were you in a -- what was the car he had? delorean. >> in my mind. >> jimmy: how did that go over with the kids? >> well, i arrived. the thing, i didn't know how to ride a skateboard. i ended up having to carry my skateboard. i kept, i had to run. because i was late.
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i was sweaty, kind of chubby kid. i was very chubby when i got to school. no one noticed. i just looked like. >> jimmy: i think you are better off that way. i carried a briefcase to my first day of junior high school? >> why? >> jimmy: why, my mother thought it was a good idea. i blame her for that. i blame your mother for allowing you to dress as a chubby marty mcfly. she should have known better. >> did you think you would show up with a briefcase. other people, would be like, hold on, everybody. this guy is serious. >> jimmy: i'll tell you what happened. i told the story before. i walked in my first day of junior high school. walk into the cafeteria. 7th grade. first thing anyone says to me is these two big kids. go, hey, briefcase joe! >> your name for junior high school? >> immediately extrapolated. it would be my name for all of
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my days. luckily nobody caught on. did not catch on. when i went home i was so angry with my mother. i yelled at her for making me. it easy because, my mother went to junior high school. your mother went to junior high school. they should know better than to send us. >> i put on those clothes. i did not look like a cool time traveler. i looked like a moron. >> jimmy: now you, you are in "secret life" that's going to impress the kids at school. >> i am excited. proud of the movie. the great thing for the holidays opens on christmas day. if you are with your entire family, and you love being with your family but you don't want to talk to each other. walter mitty is the perfect movie. bring like a 9-year-old, 19-year-old and 80-year-old. it easy for everybody. you can bring them all. you don't have to speak. >> jimmy: great.
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a buffer. it's like wearing headphones, yeah. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i know, you have "parks and recreation." you are very, very busy. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you are a very busy guy. yet you have a service you would like to provide for the audience. >> i have a project i have been working on. i don't know if you know, google released their top ten list of most requested how-to videos. that -- >> jimmy: search terms. >> most searched, how to. every year i do this thing where i fry to do all of them in under a minute. >> jimmy: oh. >> wondering if i could give it a shot. >> jimmy: we have a table set up for you. so, yes. you absolutely can. there it is. don't mind at all. >> would you mind giving me a little push. >> yeah. >> jimmy: here you go.
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all right. adam scott is going to demonstrate all ten of the most searched how to videos of the year 2013 in one minute. this is spur of the moment. can i get 60 second on the clock, please. >> jimmy: we have a clock, how about that. here we go. >> how to tie a tie. you go over, under. and across. it is super easy. how to file your nails. back and forth. back and forth. back and forth. how to get, a passport. you go to this website. you fill out this, application. proof of birth. passport photo. $135. how to start a blog. you go to tumblr.com, you do the rest. how to knit. you knit over and purse under. over, under. over, under. >> huh to kiss not a big deal. how to flirt. no, you're stupid. no, you're stupid. no, you're stupid. no, you're stupid. okay, great. >> huh to whistle. you whistle. see, i'm still flirting. how to unjailbreak your phone.
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you should have backed it up before you jailbreaked it in the first place. [ bleep ] never mind. how to -- guillermo, get over here. i am going to count down from three. are you ready. three, two, one. [ cheers and applause ] >> failed. >> jimmy: you didn't fail. adam scott! "the secret life of walter mitty" opens christmas day and new episodes of "parks & recreation" return to nbc in january. when we come back, music from christopher cross and ron burgundy. ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: i'd like to thank will ferrell, adam scott, and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. "nightline" is next, but first, with a classic from the "music from the motion picture: anchorman 2: the legend continues" soundtrack, christopher cross and ron burgundy.
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[ cheers and applause ] i like how this is sounding. here we go, people. here we go. are you ready? take it away ♪ ♪ it is the night my body's weak i'm on the run no time to sleep ♪ ♪ because you've got to run ♪ i've got to ride ride like the wind to be free again ♪ >> we all want that. ♪ and i've got such a long way to go >> such a long way to go. such a long way to go ♪ ♪ to make it to the border of mexico ♪ ♪ so i'll ride ♪ >> yeah that sounds good. like the wind ride like the wind ♪ >> you're nothing like ♪ i was born the son of a lawless man
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always spoke my mind the wind for those who don't know. >> whoa. that sound dangerous. yeah. ♪ ride like the wind ♪ and i've got such a long way to go such a long way to go ♪ ♪ to make it to the border of mexico ♪ ♪ so i'll ride like the wind ride like ♪ ♪ the wind gonna ride like the wind ♪ >> oh, yeah. it's getting hot in here! it's a hot wind! is that smoke? is there a fire in here? by the way, i want to ask one question -- is that atmospheric smoke, or is there a fire in here? oh, well, it's too late now. let's get back to the song.
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♪ accused and tried and told to hang i was nowhere ♪ ♪ in sight when the church bells rang ♪ ♪ never was the kind to do as i was told gonna ride like the wind before i get old ♪ ♪ it is the night my body's weak i'm on the run no time to sleep ♪ ♪ i've got to ride ride like the wind to be free again ♪ ♪ and i've got such a long way to go such a long way to go ♪ ♪ to make it to the border of mexico ♪ ♪ so i'll ride ride like the wind ride like the wind ♪ ♪ and i've got such a long way to go such a long ♪ ♪ way to go to make it to the bo

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